I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
