did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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