I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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