Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
