im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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