HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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