I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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