Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
