you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
