Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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