I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
