I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
