I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
