Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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