hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
