My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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