See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
