Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize