I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
