If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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