Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
