I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
this is an emotional support booty call
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
