You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
