my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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