If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
