She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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