my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
