Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Randomize
