Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
