Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Green mimosas i think yes
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
