Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
