She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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