You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
