you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
