Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
