I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
