Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
