Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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