WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
