she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
being pregnant is like rehab
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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