I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
