would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
