So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
