so explain again why im purple
no
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
