i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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