I'm going to jail i love you
Sacagawea was the original milf.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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