The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize