evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
