she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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