I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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