I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
