I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize