Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
